“I am sorry,” I tell them every time,
It’s just that my insecurities they haunt me.
Every night is a battle, they swallow my rational mind and fill it with ways to escape this torture.
I am sorry, I react wildly every time my insecurity is mentioned as a joke that yearns for laughter.
It’s not funny, I want to say but I laugh along instead.
I am sorry, I tell my father in the morning after last night’s fight when words with zero value were exchanged from both sides.
I am sorry, I tell my mother who wonders as to why her delicate daughter,
Is suddenly talking about equality, discrimination, rape, and slaughter.
I am sorry, I tell my brother who although younger has matured into a young man.
I am sorry, I am not the sister you asked for in your letters to Santa.
I am sorry, I tell my friends for being awkward, weird, and so goddamn annoying,
I am sorry, I know no other way.
I am sorry, I don’t reply to your messages I am struggling to beat my insecurities and sometimes they appear in the day.
I am sorry, I tell the world for always rebelling and never learning from experiences.
I am sorry, I to seem live in my head and put my foot in my mouth at times that I highly regret.
I am sorry, I tell him for I have been avoiding him like the plague,
I just ain’t made from the same material.
I am sorry because I am not the perfect daughter, sister, friend and girl you want me to be,
I just can’t do my duties after spending endless nights overthinking every word, phrase, and action you unintentionally laid.
Finally, I am sorry I tell her, she who wants me to be okay and love myself,
I am sorry I tell myself,
I love you but not enough to heal you.
I care for you but not enough to protect you.
I respect you but not enough to appreciate you.
I miss you but just not enough to let you be you.
My last post is here.
Also, you should totally go read this – He, She and Who?
And until next time……